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Hector05
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Name: Hector05
Country: United States
State: New York
Metro: Troy
Gender: Male
Interests: Commenting on strange things that I see and my general observations about the people that I meet.
Expertise: Sociology of being single in NYC. Being able to stay single.
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Other
Message: message me
AIM:  Hector8675309
Member Since:
8/9/2005
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| Tomorrow I face my destiny at least professionally. I have a surprisingly fatalistic view on the second part of the certifying boards. It is an oral examination, and an evaluation of whether I am a menace to society as a surgeon. I have not been as busy as I have hoped to be, but I have stuck to a standard that has kept me from having a miserable practice.
This past week, I had a complication and have been worried about this girl that was in the hospital. I realized that there is a difference between the board examinations and real life practice. In real life if you have a complication, you worry and have to take care of it. If you don't it can cause permanent problems for your patient. These examiners can look at the cases that I have done and can criticize me, and ask me to defend what I did, but retrospectoscope is 20/20.
Truly, I can do no more to study for this exam. I realized when I was worrying about my patient, that I cared more about my patient doing better than I did about this exam. It is a sad thing to have that realization. I don't want to be this miserable next year at this time if I have to take this exam over again.
More later.
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| The fall of the intelligent one...
I am through with her. She has pushed me to give, give, and give, but she doesn't really seem to care about giving herself. I will admit, other Melissa, she is the only girl that I have opened up this much to. She has called me brave and asked me what would happen if things did not work out between us. And they really haven't. I cannot say that I have really discussed my loss of interest with her, but I cannot say that I really feel much responsibility to at this time. I gave her all that I could and she still wanted more, and now, when I speak to her I feel fake.
She continues to bring out her last relationship without any details as the reason that she cannot yet trust me. Finally, I realized that if she can't trust me with her heart at this point there is not much more that I can do. Last week was a particularly rough week for me on so many levels, and I saw her only once. Then we were supposed to get together over the weekend, but I realized why I was so jacked up emotionally.
Four years ago today, Amanda died. Finally, I realized that it was time to let her go (thanks to one of the few truly great conversations with Mom). Every year for the past four years, I have paid my respects personally near the time of Amanda's passing. Mom had said that you cannot let the spirit of a lost soul make you miserable; you need to say goodbye and wish them happiness in a better place. She recommended that I sit in my backyard and read a poem for her, but I had to go and say good-bye in person. My friend let me use his G5 and got me out there on Saturday morning and I returned on Sunday with a new look on life. It was the right thing to let her go, but I was emotionally tired from the entire trip. The weight of the past 4 years was finally off of my mind.
When I returned home, the smart one called me on Sunday late afternoon. I realized that I had to speak to her, but I did not want to. We made some idle talk and I told her that I was back east over the weekend. She asked me why, and told her that it was a personal matter that I had to take care of. Then she tried to probe about what it is, and I responded, "I took care of it and now I can move on, but it was just an emotionally draining experience."
Her annoyed response, "So you just don't want to tell me?"
"No, it is from my past, and I took care of it. It is in the past, and I am not going to linger on it any longer."
Honestly, I just did not want to talk to her about it. I found it a hypocritical that she was pushing me to tell her about my past and I never once pushed her about telling me about her ex- that she continues to use as an excuse not to trust me. That is when I knew that I cannot give her any more of my time or my emotional capital. I thought things would be over because I always put the effort in to accomodate her, and so I stopped. I did not speak to her the last couple of days, and honestly not much last week either for reasons to come later, but she called me today.
And I told her how the last couple of days have been, without some minor social details about my resurgent mojo, but that is when I felt completely fake. I did not have much to say to her, and I was making useless conversation.
CAN YOU BETRAY TRUST THAT WAS NEVER THERE?
I don't think you can and that is why I have not questioned my mojo when it made a resurgences a week and a half ago. Let me preface things with the following disclaimer...
1. I have known smart chick for three months and there has been no sexual intercourse.
2. She told me before she went away on a retreat a couple of weeks ago, that she would not be hurt if I had sex with some one else as long as I did not get emotionally attached.
Anyways, the day after she left, I met some one who I had a great physical chemistry with and on Cinco de Mayo, she came over to share some late night Coronas and spent the night in the way most consenting adults with any physical chemistry do. Honestly, I had seen the smart chick earlier in the day, but she had nagged on me for the third time about something trivial. There was a component of enjoying the opposite of the smart chick, some one who is easy-going, generally sexually aware, and does not want to take from me. I was with her to get away from the smart chick. Anyways, Amber and I spent Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday nights together, and it was a lot of fun.
Which brings us to Sunday night. After getting off the phone with the smart chick, I passed out. When I came to, it was late and I had to buy wrapping paper. I went to my local supermarket. There were only a few customers in the store, and one woman was there buying limes and food for one. It was obvious she had just come from a mother's day event. I joked that she needed some Coronas with those limes (I can drink Coronas until I die). She said she would share if I bought the Coronas. I told her that I keep a fridge fully stocked, and so we were off. We went swimming at 930 pm and it was felt a bit chilly, but she was so down to earth, and we had great physical chemistry.
More later. I have to go.
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| I got a comment on my last post, a week or so ago, and I appreciate it. It allowed me to rediscover an outlet for my life and stress. I appreciate it.
I guess there a couple of things that I need to address. The comment was insightful in that Significance wrote that I do not blog much about sex. I really enjoy sex, but when I blog about the specific play by play, I make it sound pretty cheesy. I do not have a talent for translating my sexual experience into words. I suspect that some of it has to do with the fact that the vast majority of the sex that I have is based on a purely physical bond. I do not think that it is a bad thing, but sometimes I question whether there is more out there for me.
It has been months since my last post, and a lot of stuff has happened in my life:
My new home:
I finally gave in and purchased a home. It is a nice house, and going along with my goal of having the smallest house on the block it is 2800 sf of all me on a 1.25 acres. All my neighbors bulldozed these homes and now have homes 3-4x the size with tennis courts and stuff. Not for me. It is a serene sanctuary for me. It is older, but had been renovated a couple of years back.
The ups and downs of DB...
So I can safely say that the wild young girls are out of my life, and for the past month and a half, I have been seeing a bonafide intelligent female. She is not really a true looker compared to Drunk S, Drinkcart R, or Hot Christy (Drinkcart R's best friend), but nonetheless, she has inner beauty. I met her and she saved me from myself. I had gone down the slippery slope of progressive sexual extravagance, and like any extreme it was becoming dangerous. It got to a point where, I met a woman at my local QT, and an hour later, we were having sex. I haven't seen her since. It is not that I feel guilt about the experience, but I feel apprehension for possible consequences that could haunt me with a "he-said-she-said," or a desire for extortion, etc. It was a lot easier when I had a job that paid crappy and no one really respected it.
Regardless, things with DB have had its ups and downs, and we are presently in a down period. DB has been acting pretty strange after a bit of a meltdown over the weekend. We went out, but I was really stressed about work, but she kept pushing and telling me that I would feel better if we did stuff. The truth is, when I am stressed, I need to be by myself to decompress. She would not let me, and it drained me even more; I felt phony, and I hoped she was the one person in my life that I would not have to be that way with.
Then on Monday, she had plans to go out with some friends. She said that her ex was going to be there and initially did not want me to come to dinner. Twenty minutes before dinner, she calls and says that her ex was not going to be there, so she wanted me to come. I told her that I need to get some stuff done but she could come over afterwards. Apparently, she took offense at that and told me this yesterday. So today, I called her on my way home from the hospital, and she asked, "Why'd you call? Just to say hi?"
So on one hand, I feel like I am on the brink of getting the boot. But I am not concerned, and I am questioning whether I should just fade out so that she does not have to confront me about it. I have known her for 6 weeks, and not had sex with any one else for the past 3.5 weeks or so, and I am not sure it is worth ironing out or not. I am not sure if she wants to work through this or not.
To be honest, to an extent, I am relieved that it is this grey zone. It really gives me more time to focus on my work and my new house. There are no certainties in life, and the uncertainty between is comforting to me.
Next post will be about my new job.
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| 1. The passing of my patient.
A lot of stuff has been happening in the old work and home life lately. I have been dysphoric lately. My cancer patient died on Wednesday in hospice. There is something about the expected death that still gets to you because there is nothing that you can do to prevent it. It does not irritate me because it is out of my sphere of influence to quote Covey, but it still makes me quite sad to see a woman struck down right when she and her husband are ready to really start enjoying life. Maybe it is because my patients are not usually knocking on heaven's door that I am so sensitive to it.
2. The loss of a job.
In less important news, there is a sales person who worked for a company founded by one of my mentors. This salesman tried to sell me on this medical product, but he was a hard sell and I can't really say that I think that one brand of this particular device is better than any other brand. So I was operating with my partner who used his stuff about a year ago and I made a criticism about one the product. The salesman says, "That's strange, 9 out of 10 surgeons really like this." If you are trying to sell me on something that I don't need to change, you don't invalidate the reason that I am not using the product. So I just said, "Okay," and moved on. I have not used his product since, and he was always trying to sell me. I never talked to my mentor about how annoying this salesman is, and he never asked me. As a personal friend, I do not discuss business with him as I am not invested in the company. It is not my place to complain to the President of the company and get this guy fired. Well, something happened, and my partner called me up this weekend and told me that this guy got fired, and was really upset and now his wife is busting on him for being unemployed.
I told my partner that I never spoke to our mentor about this guy and he never directly asked me, but apparently, he asked my senior partner about why I was unhappy with the company. I don't want to take away anybody's livelihood and thus, I keep my mouth shut about that stuff, but my senior partner told me that because I was one of this guy's favorites, that I wielded a lot of sway in the company personnel. I refuse to believe it, and I hope that I did not indirectly or directly get this guy canned.
3. My housing situation.
So I finally found a house that I really like and may get over my commitment issues with the house. I am excited about the home, and hopefully I will get it. That took up most of my weekend.
4. DCR
I did get some feedback about calling DCR back and not leave her hanging. I guess this is on my road to being more "boy friend" as opposed "fun and sexy." (To quote what a nurse said about me when I was training. So I texted her last week on Thursday, I could not think well on Wednesday because of the aforementioned #1 point. She wanted to hangout again and venture into weekend time. I really had little desire to venture into weekend time, because I really need some sleep time. When I balked, she said, "I'm just horny and want to [have sex]" in more blunt language. On one hand, it is not a bad thing, but on the other hand, that is how things started with DS and K which dragged on into what some would argue (namely DS and K) was a relationship. Regardless, I felt as if I should be nice to her if she is truly sincere about having that type of relationship. I still balked, and she was persistant, and I caved. So I took her out on Friday night down in her neighborhood, but I really had little desire to bring her back to my place. Once again I had a high school flashback and got us a hotel room to have sex in, because I am too old for car sex.
I have to say that the sex this time was not as bad as the first time, but it may have to do with not being in the back seat of my car on my coat. Or it may have to do with the fact that we cut out the date part and just went to work. She has an okay body but is a bit soft, like a fat thin person. That being said, she is in a phase right now where is trying to explore her body, and is not shy about asking to try different things. There is somthing to be said about women who are aware of their bodies and sexuality, and it makes them inherently a bit more attractive. She, of course, had to get back to her religious parents, so I was able to spread out after I dropped her off at home.
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